Marriage tips - Money

Has your husband ever bought something that you thought needed to be talked over with you before he went and paid for it? These types of things can cause lots of fireworks in a marriage.

Some have suggested that a monetary limit be set after which discussion is called for before money is spent. This can work in a home where husband and wife live in accountability to one another. But what about the home where this is not the situation?

A wife in this situation has two ways to deal with it. If the purchase has robbed your family of food or shelter you will need to approach your husband with a submissive heart and in God’s timing- having prayed first. Husbands who spend recklessly already know they have a problem – they don’t need a wife to point it out. What they do need is for a wife to speak once and then cry out to the Lord.

Another option is that if your husband does this, but does not get you into debt to buy his luxuries (this could be anything from a new DVD to a sound system) then choose rather to enjoy the blessing together. Be thrilled for him that he is financially able to do this. Don’t pout, moan or drop little snide remarks.

However you choose to approach your husband – or not too – please remember to be Spirit led in your choice. Honouring your husband in either of these situations is more important that pointing out his mistakes.

Dates

Last week my husband and I did our annual film watching of the new 007 movie. I know this may not be everyone’s choice but my husband is an avid Bond fan. A friend helped us out by having all our children for the afternoon show – the show is cheaper in the afternoon.

To pay her back we had her children so that she and her husband could go out for dinner. Do you have a friend who can be a reciprocal babysitter?

Last week on our ride, my husband and I rode up above the vineyards near our home. As I looked down on the vines I marveled at the gorgeous colors of the leaves left after harvesting the grapes. I was reminded of the season that our marriage is moving into. When your family is very young - your children still babies - you are limited in the romantic pursuits that you can follow. Time in limited, mom is tired, babysitters need to be trusted. Then come the separation anxiety years. Two of my children could not separate from us which made leaving them with a sitter almost impossible. But seasons change and children grow.

One choice I made very early on in my parenting journey was never to regret the season that I found myself in. This choice has paid its dues and now as our children are through the toddler years, we are able to leave them for the first time in 12 years. In September we travel to the UK for 6 days…we are thrilled to have the opportunity to go to The Globe to see “Merchant of Venice”, to have lunch at Jamie Oliver’s Fifteen and to see an Andrew Lloyd Webber production in London. Seasons come and go…do not regret where you are at this time in your family’s life.

Sometimes we need to habitually remember to seek time for our marriage as we bustle about schooling, feeding hordes, cleaning and helping. As I have mentioned before we are on a tight budget so going out for dinner and movies is not always feasible.

My husband and I have a date night on a Monday from 6 – 7.30pm where we go for a bike ride on our own. Last night we went far up to see the deforestation that is sadly taking place. On the previous Monday we were privileged to have a sparrow hawk land next to us on a log.

Not everyone has a mountain to bike in, but a friend of mine had a date morning every week day with her husband in summer as they went for a walk at sunrise. Dates need not be expensive, remember you are just setting a habit in place to keep your marriage as a priority.

My husband recently resigned from his job which means that he has left the security of receiving a monthly pay check. With it came many budget cuts including our bi-weekly evening out. We just cannot afford a meal or movie and a babysitter for one night out, for now. We have reverted back to some old favorite DVD’s from our collection with some yummy treats for “date night”.

Have you ever planned a shameless indulgence with your husband? Often wives wait for their husband to be the one to initiate romantic events. Have you ever thought about “kidnapping” your husband for a night? Ensure that your children will be cared for by a trustworthy friend or relative (you could return the favor) and fetch your husband from work on a Friday then take him to a romantic inn for dinner or a night. Perhaps you may need to budget for this over a few months, but do give it a try.

When my husband was still employed we used to have to attend many evening functions from dinners to shows, dance to cabarets. It was a wonderful way to enjoy some adult time. But when he came home this was no longer the case and we had to find ways to still enjoy an evening out, just the two of us, on a limited budget. During summer with our lovely long warm days we used to take a mountain bike ride together. But during winter, and this last one being a wild wet one, it was not a possibility.

Last month we stumbled onto an “early bird” special at the local bistro where we could have a delicious three course meal for an astoundingly low price. We need to be in by 6 out by 8 which is perfect as we are in home in time to put the children to bed!

Perhaps you can encourage a local restaurant to have an early bird slot or find out if they already offer one for your area?

Marriage tips - Making the time

Planning to take time out for your marriage relationship is one of the most important things you can do. This time changes with each age milestone in your children’s lives. When your children are little you are limited in terms of what you can do, but as they grow and mature there is so much more that you can plan to do. In the past 12 years of parenting we have only left our children for one night. They were comfortably ensconced with granny for that time. Now that they are older, in September we will be traveling to London for 6 days. More on this in the next newsletter. My question to you wives, do you plan to take time out for your marriage or do you just read these ideas and file it in the “someday-box”? Make a commitment today to spend some one-on-one time with your spouse each week.

With the birth of my friend’s baby my husband and I spent some time reminiscing about our children as babes. I love looking at photographs of when they were little. I get all mushy! Other photos I like to look though are those memories my husband and I made before we had children. Remembering that we were a family then even though it was just the two of us bring back some really sweet memories as well as some laughs. The photos also tell of times when things were hard as we settled into our respective new roles and I marvel at how God has grown us each in His will. Why not spend an evening cuddled up with a treat and look through some photo albums?

Marriage Tips - Intimacy

As hard as it may be for homeschooling moms to juggle all the balls we need to keep in the air, there is one area that cannot take neglect. Your marriage! When your children are little and up at night, or when you are breastfeeding a newborn, your desire for sleep in a nice warm bed pretty much takes up your thoughts. There are so many ways to show our husbands our love even when we are tired.

Sometimes a soak in the bath with candles is a good way to help change your focus from being a nurturing mom to a beloved wife. If you haven’t already, please take a moment to sign up for Lori’s Generous Wife tips. These are gentle ideas to show our husbands how much we appreciate them. (And I appreciate Lori’s gentle motivation when I find myself too focused on my children, home and business.)

When I read I like to write down sections that stir my heart and thinking. A while back when reading Love Dare I wrote this down:

“What would happen if you made it your mission to do everything to promote togetherness of heart with your husband?”

Many years back I thought that I would no longer get hung up on little things that irritated me then – physical things like how come the dirty laundry never lands in the wash basket, always next to…or how come the empty dinner plate can’t find its way into the dishwasher… or how come I am called from across the house, not found and asked what is needed.

Allowing these little things just to go began to promote togetherness. I will be the first to admit that we have so many areas where we still need to progress, I long for some to come with my whole heart…

But when I read this quote I realized how the decision I made way back then began to “promote togetherness or heart.” I have since begun to think that these acts in the physical start to turn a wife’s heart towards her husband so that she can grow and begin to make it her mission to become one with her husband.

A lot of what happens in our marriages cannot be planned or figured out ahead of time. As a young bride I could never have foreseen what marriage has held for us.

But there are some things that we can do to keep building intimacy and growth in our relationship with our husbands. The first is prayer. The second is time and the third is intimacy.

Time and intimacy are quite loose thoughts. But for us time was making sure that we choose to set aside time for just us. Sometimes it is a meal or a movie or like recently a night away while the children were looked after by grandparents.

Intimacy comes with trust. As we grow in a trust relationship (trusting one another to be wise stewards of one another hearts, thoughts and emotions) so the intimacy grows. Some romantic ideas to inspire you are here.

Marriage tips - Special Occasions

Valentines Day is here. I am really not a fan of overdoing the Mother’s, Father’s and Valentines Days as I feel every day we should be making an effort to make the people in our lives feel special.

But I also do acknowledge that it’s also nice to plan a special gift or activity that will bless parents or spouses.

In every marriage we need an occasional “tune-up”. Just as our cars need regular servicing even when nothing is wrong with them.

Over the past 2 months I have been tuning my heart by working through a book titled The Love Dare which was featured in the movie Fireproof, Special Collector's Edition DVD.

Along with a box of chocolates and the movie, this book forms my husbands Valentines Day gift.

My husband and I recently celebrated our 19th wedding anniversary. As tradition dictates we eat at our favorite local Bistro. But this year we arrived in style – well…at least he thought so!

As he works from home, we have no need of a second car and he bought himself a little scooter to get around on when he has to nip out for something or meet a client for a lunch.

He thought it would be fun if we went up on the scooter...so why not? As we went around the corners, he would say “Lean with me, Wendy.” These words have stuck with me for the last month since the event.

When we reach a possibly discordant point in a discussion, I ask myself, is this an opportunity to “Lean with him” or do I need to keep going in my direction.

Just some food for thought!

Marriage tips - Protect your mind

There are so many things that woman are exposed to through websites, books, support groups and email that tells you how your marriage should look. I recently saw a chat group entitled “Woman married to their best friends”. I thought on the surface it looks good – but on looking into the posts of the women I was deeply saddened for the woman who would “not fit in” because her husband is working 24/7, or is unsaved, not supportive of homeschooling, not equally yoked in other issues related to lifestyle choices…what then?

Women who have not learnt how to discern what God’s truth is for their own lives will easily begin to measure their marriages to these sorts of standards. “A good father reads the bible to us all every morning/evening” or “A good husband prays regularly with his wife”.

These are just two examples of very damaging perceptions woman can have about their husbands and they begin to measure their husbands according to this yardstick. So when you are reading, participating in discussions or receiving emails perpetuating one type of marriage model, do be careful to take everything before your Heavenly Father and ask Him if this is His truth or a man made image.

In the Song of Solomon it says in verse 2:15: “Take for us the foxes, the little foxes that spoil the vineyards [of our love], for our vineyards are in blossom. “

Some things that spoil our love for our husbands:

Unforgiveness

Romance novels (even Christian ones)

Comparing your spouse with others

Romantic movies

Discussing issues about your husband instead of praying about them

Be aware of these things if you are struggling in your marriage. Steer clear of images created by man, through movies and novels, about how love should look. Instead put your energies and thoughts into your marriage and do not let the “little foxes” ruin your marriage.

When talking about dispelling myths I cannot help think about the pictures we create in our mind about what a perfect husband looks like. This varies widely from group to group depending on what has fed their mind. For many years I believed that my husband needed to leave the corporate world and become a salt of the earth farmer, working alongside his children, building us a farm house and living off the land.

Boy…was I in for a surprise when we climbed the corporate ladder for 17 years instead! Yet in the back of my mind I was constantly measuring my husband to a hopelessly false expectation of what my “perfect” husband and father to our children would be.

Slowly as God removed the scales from my eyes I have been amazed to see this transformation in my husband…seeing him for who he is, loving him right here, right now and not waiting for the farmer to come driving in on his tractor.

All joking aside, do make a conscious effort not to measure your husband to another’s, rejoice in who God has brought alongside you and allow Him to transform and grow your husband.

When a woman is feeling down for any reason it makes it very hard to care for those around her. But does this give her an excuse to grumble, groan and not be loving helper to her husband? The tough answer: “No!” Caring when you don’t feel like it, doing the right thing even when everything inside you says you would rather be doing something else is what develops character in us.

Recently my husband had a rather nasty tumble on his mountain bike which meant a visit to the ER for stitches. It also meant that many normal day to day things were impossible for him to do alone – he needed my help! I used to have a tough stomach for cuts and pain, but well, these days I am rather a wimp! Changing bandages daily, cleaning wounds…no, thank you – I could find a hundred better things to do with my time!

Yet the Lord impressed upon me (and gave me a stomach of steel) to show my husband love in this way, at this time. Now while others may not flinch at helping their husbands in times like these, perhaps there are other things that they need you to do and you do not feel like it.

Ask the Lord to help you do the right thing even when you don’t feel like it, and His blessing will come as you obey.

Marriage tips - Help for tired wives

In one e-zine where I suggested husband-napping your man for a night, I received an email from a friend. She said: “I was wondering if you could perhaps give some tips for young Mums (who hardly have anytime for themselves or anything beyond survival really) on how to make time for their hubby. I feel so stretched in so many directions, we have bad sleepers, little house help and we both are exhausted in the evening. When I read what hubby and I "could/should" be doing I feel I am letting him down. Perhaps this would be of help to other Mums in this season.”

First, I must say that in the season of young children in our home, some of our most romantic adventures were no more than popcorn and a rented movie snuggled up on the couch. So I would like to impress on others with little ones, everything is relative to the season we are in.

Just to help you further, Lori, from The Generous Wife has put together 3 pages of ideas for tired moms. Be sure to visit.

The other day I was stewing over an issue and the Lord told me that this was when love counts…when we don’t want to love! He told me to choose to show love right then, in the midst of my self indulgent stewing…simply put – just do it!

Find a simple thing to bless your husband, even if he doesn’t deserve it. Expectations can be so high in a marriage and often can come in and destroy a special moment. Sometimes the simplest things can bless the most.

Marriage tips - Jobs around the house

Once many years ago when my mother was visiting, she offered in a very helpful solution to a marital problem we had. She called it the Job Jar. This sounded like the perfect idea! My husband had a natural tendency to not want to do things like hang pictures, changing tap washers and other such handy man things. So I took her advice and made him a job jar where I could add slips of paper with his chores written on for him to do in his own time. Worked like a charm….nope! I wish it were a good news story, but he made his point very clear by adding his own paper tags – none of them work around the house!

You see the job jar is the same as nagging! My husband knew what needed to be done the first time I asked. It wasn’t that the third or fourth time, or even the slip in the job jar that convinced him.

So the solution we found was:

I make sure I cannot do it myself – then

I ask once

If he can’t or won’t do it we agree on a strategy – i.e. pay someone else or neglect it.

If he will then I make myself available to help him by handing him a tool or holding something still – this gives a time of fellowship and makes the job more pleasant.

The asking once is an important thing and there were many years that I would have given King Solomon a reason for calling me a dripping tap, but never once (yes you read it correctly) did nagging get me the desired outcome. Perhaps the job was attended to, but I had generally succeeded in offending my husband too!

Marriage Tips - Prayer

I have a set of prayer cards on my desk where I come to every morning to pray and read my Bible. They are Stormie O Martin’s generic cards, but they are very helpful to me when I feel like I have a hard heart towards my husband or simply just a mouthful of teeth and not a mindful of words.

One of the easiest things to do for our husbands is to bear them up in prayer. Prayer is often the required remedy for wives whose hearts are hardened towards their husbands. Prayer is a healing balm to our spirits as we surrender our will to the Lord. Prayer covers our husbands and changes our attitudes towards them.

When a wife sees a conflict coming, the best action to take is praying first. In that time of praying with an open heart and mind, God changes our aspect from one of “getting even” or “getting our point across” to one of His. He says that blessed are the peacemakers. But being a peacemaker is not easy when we try to do it in our own strength. But with Him it is possible.

Praying God’s will for our husbands, not our will for them, is a life changing, relationship altering event each and every time we go before God and ask Him to help us to love our husbands.

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